Contact

The Story of my Twins

Who am I?

Anyone remember the great 80’s horror flick “Poltergeist”? Well, picture me saying “they’re here” just like that blonde girl in the movie. Creepy, I know… but I just want you to know that’s how I’m “saying” it. And alas, “They’re Here”.

She had her twins. They arrived safe and sound yesterday after 2 1/2 hours of labour. 2 babies. Alive.

Good for her. That’s just fan-freakin-tastic. She carried 2 babies to 3 weeks before her due date. Awesome. I’m so jealous. She can disappear now at any time. Maybe even get sucked in to that fuzzy TV that the blonde girl is sitting in front of on Poltergeist. 

2 Comments »

I’m a music junkie, I can’t help it, it’s the way I am.  So I’m sure you’ve noticed that a ridiculous amount of my posts are dedicated to music.  Like I’ve said before, it heals my soul.

One song that always seems to reappear in my life is “Everybody Hurts” by REM, remember them?!  I like it because it’s so true… I think throughout our lives there are many of us who feel that we just cannot go on or just can’t handle things anymore. It is for those people that this song’s message can speak volumes!

I’m trying to only post one song at a time, but believe me, I have a long list of songs I love and find comforting right around now. If you have a song that you think I’d like, feel free to send it to me!

No Comments »

I’ve gone to a few art therapy sessions over the past few months.  This past time that I went I wasn’t really sure if I’d get anything out of it.  I thought I was handling things pretty well and was close to being “fine”.  However, it’s interesting  to see what tuns up when asked to show some sort of expression.  Like art. 

So during the session we chat a bit and then out comes the art supplies.  She instructs me to do whatever I want, use whatever materials I want and just don’t hold back.  I didn’t have a plan so everything is really just off the top of my head.  I began with a red heart and decided to turn it in to a rainbow.  It’s hard to actually see the detail (like the sparkling butterflies and the sparkly background, but it’s there.  It’s not artist quality, I’m not an artist, but it is what it is, my miscarriage art.

After painting the heart (just the top half) I said, “Well, that’s it, I think I’m done”.  Then I sat down and within 20 seconds I got back up and painted more, including the red on the swirls, the sparkliness and the gush at the bottom of the heart.  So I guess I wasn’t done.  The therapist pointed out how interesting she thought it was that I would do that, say I was done and then not really be done at all.  She thought it was interesting because that is how I was approaching my grief, I “thought” I may be done (or at least fine) and then BOOM, I’m not.  It’s so rollercoaster-ish, crazy really.

Some other art I have done lately is belly casting.  While I am completely green with envy and so hurt on the inside, I still enjoy rubbing a pregnant ladies belly and covering it in plaster.  Well, unless it’s G who is expecting twins in February, I never want to see her or her big pregnant belly.

With the belly casting, I have been doing 2 per pregnant mama, one for her and one for me.  I haven’t decided how I’m going to pain them, but I can’t wait to get at it.  I’m almost thinking of painting the heart on one of them, we’ll see.  Belly casting is not something I thought I’d be able to “do” but it turns out I can, and all without losing it!

1 Comment »

I joined kickboxing. It’s something I’ve actually been involved in my whole life up until the past few years. I love it. I actually crave it. I find it to be so helpfull in my physical and mental well being.

I wrap my hands and go out there. The instructor is yelling. Everyone’s running. jumping. squatting. kicking. My mind is clear. Well, except the voice in my head that is saying, “move it!”. The time comes to put the gloves on and adrenaline rushes through my body. Jab. Cross. Uppercut. Elbow. Knee. Any ounce of anger I have I can release at that moment, what a feeling.

What I would really love is if I could do it every day, right now going 2 times a week is just not enough. I have enough resentment and anger for much more then 2 times a week.

The title of this post is actually a song that I’ve had in my head for so long it seems! Since being in kickboxing I find I like listening to more of the fast and heavy music, like I used to. It’s by Offspring, here’s a quote from the song:

When the rain comes I sit home and pray
Make it all numb
I wish it all away
All i really need is just somewhere to hide away

I’d say my place to hide is Kickboxing, not that I’m physically hiding, but I can go there and just pretend I’m normal again, that my life isn’t totally f’d up and that I actually do care about myself. When I’m home alone it’s like I’m having a constant pitty party of one.

Anyways, kickboxing… highly recommended.

No Comments »

There is something empowering about DIY. Even when the end result is a shitty situation, if it’s DIY, there’s still a sense of empowerment. There just is, I can’t explain why it is….

When I was in the ER and the doctor recommended a D&C I didn’t even have to think about it, hell no was I going to have a D&C. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear a little vacuum sucking out my babies (plunk plunk) and it just didn’t sit well with me. Home I went. This made sense for me because if my babies would have made it full term they would have been born at home as well. I didn’t see a reason for intervention just because they died, I wanted to give them the same thing I would have had they made it.

Now here’s my disclaimer: I totally respect everyone’s choice, some people prefer a D&C and that’s cool by me, I have my preferences too.

My miscarriage was just like a birth, it was. Minus the 7lbs baby I guess, my two littles were pretty darn little. But I still had the all day, knock you to your knees, make you cry and scream contractions, it wasn’t pretty. Then, with dim candlelight I had them, two babies, two little blobby babies, on my own, unassisted. No DH, no one. Well, 4 children I guess, but they were just destroying the rest of the house, definitely not assisting anything.

I didn’t quite realize how all this would affect me, but it has changed me in many ways that I’m probably not even aware of yet. I don’t mind sharing my birth story and I feel like I own it. Maybe I couldn’t change the outcome of my poor little babies that couldn’t stay, but I can and did control how I released them, and I’m thankfull for that.

I have been reading online that this sort of miscarriage is refered to as an Unassisted Miscarriage. I am familiar with the concept of UC (unassisted childbirth) but did not realize the ideals transfered to miscarriages as well. Turns out that many people refer to a “natural miscarriage” as a UM or UC Miscarriage. There’s something empowering in that to me.

I found this great website about natural childbirth, she talks about what to expect during an unassisted miscarriage.

No Comments »

Last week I was okay, really I was… or at least I thought I was. I was okay enough to skip the “Empty Arms” support group, but now I wish I went.

This weekend we went to the mountains like usual and R ran in to D, who is married to G, they are expecting twins. Remember, she’s the girl who told me during an event that she was expecting twins one week after I was due and I completely melted right there in front of 1000 people. Anyways, apparently she’s not allowed to leave the city. Well, of course, right? She’s having twins! It’s a medical emergency, a freak of nature, a walking time bomb. F-that.

I have a confession. I’ve always dreamt of twins. I’ve always had that feeling that I would have twins. Not that I thought I was carrying twins with every pregnancy, I always knew with my others that they were singletons, but this last time was different. But even before getting pregnant this last time I would often imagine what my life would be like with twins. I imagined what a birth would be like, what breastfeeding would be like, what our sleeping arrangments would be like, what our babywearing style would look like, all before I was ever pregnant with twins. I don’t tell anyone this because I don’t want to be that crazy lady that loves twins, but I’ve always had a “thing”. I was mentally prepared to have twins in my life.

I had to confess to that because that probably adds to why I am so irritated with G and her damn twin pregnancy. She’s clueless. Like I said before, she’s going to just believe anything the dr. tells her and walk around believing that “her birth” is going to be an emergency. That pisses me off so much because it’s not a fucking emergency!!!!! Okay?!!! It’s not!!! And really, it’s the last thing I want to hear about. I could handle never seeing her or her perfectly healthy twins (who will probably be born via scheduled c-section and not be breastfed, sorry I have a bias) ever.

Why does she get to keep her twins? It’s no fair. I hate this. I hate her and I’m so jealous. I am definitely a green eyed monster.

My second experience with the green eyed monster in myself was with another pregnant friend of ours K (oh yes, did I tell you? Everyone’s pregnant). We were at the ski hill and I ran in to her at the base. She was skiing. Yep, you read it right, 14 weeks and skiing. Good for her! What I would give to be back in that naive, carefree, thoughtless, stupid, ignorant frame of mind again. Ignorance is bliss right? I mean really, before my loss I wouldn’t have judged her so harshly, but now I think that too many women take their pregnancies for granted…. and then they’re gone. First I congratulated her, then I asked her if she was skiing. When she replied yes, I simply said, “oh yeah… well. be carefull”, and that’s it.

K’s hubby came by the cabin last night (at the ski hill) and someone made some stupid comment about twins. S (her hubby) replied, “nope, we’re just doing it one at a time, no twins”, and made a sigh of relief, like twins would be the end of the world. Forget that, they would be lucky to have twins (thank God they don’t though).

I miss being pregnant, I would be almost 35 weeks, could you imagine? FML

No Comments »

This song was written by Rob Thomas for his wife who was diagnosed with an auto immune disease. It’s actually called “Her Diamonds” but for the purpose of this post, I refered to it as My Diamonds. When I first heard it on the radio I instantly was moved by it, I love it.

Another song by Matchbox Twenty that I love is Long Day, I’ve loved this song since they came out with it about twelve years ago. It seems I always come back to this song when I’m having problems. I’m embedding the youtube video, but I must warn you, the screaming fans are annoying.

No Comments »

When I knew I was going to “physically” lose my babies I had no idea what I was going to do with them.  I really didn’t.  Infact, I thought that I had already passed the babies and then it all became very obvious that I hadn’t.

With one baby in the toilet and another baby and the placenta in a container I was again at a loss, what the HELL was I supposed to do.  I chose the “call a friend” option.   The babies are in my back yard under a rose bush, they are wrapped in a super cute ooga booga prefold.

Today I found a website that sells little tiny caskets!  When I say little tiny, I mean really little tiny, made for miscarried babies!  While this may seem odd to some, it makes sense to me.  I wish I had something to put the little ones in, a little tiny casket would have been perfect.

Heaven’s Gain provides high quality products to families suffering the loss of a miscarried child or early stillbirth.  Their products were developed to allow for handling and burial of a tiny baby consistent with how we handle other losses in our society. 

Makes sense doesn’t it?

No Comments »

Or is it?

My holidays have been okay so far.  My little girl A opened her twin baby dolls that R bought for her.  I watched her Christmas morning playing with the twins and I pretty much kept my distance.  But then I decided to help her wear her twins, I grabbed a kid sized wrap and voila, my little A was wearing twins!  Maybe I will never wear my twins but she’ll wear her twin dolls.  Bittersweet.

I wanted to do something to honor the twins this Christmas but couldn’t think of anything.  I was looking for an ornament to buy but I could not find anything for twins.  I found a couple ornaments that said something like, “In our hearts forever” but they seem to represent single losses and that obviously does not fit my situation.

We went to the ski hill on boxing day and enjoyed some family time for a couple days.  There was a new baby there and of course rumors circulating about so and so and what’s her name expecting, blah blah blah.  We had a chat with R’s Aunt and she filled us in on her sister in laws “situation”.  Apparently she’s just “devastated”… Why?  Oh, because she’s expecting.  She’s due in February.  This is her 4th baby with her husband and she’s devastated.  Hmm.  Well, I’m devastated too.  Funny though, we’re devastated for exactly the opposite reason:  She’s devastated that she’s pregnant and I’m devastated that I’m not.  Interesting.

R bought me a kickboxing membership for Christmas.  So now with our tattoo plans and a gym membership I guess there’s no point in getting pregnant now is there?.

All in all, the holidays have been decent.  Of course I’ve been sad but I’m beginning to think that it’s just an emotion that I will have to live with.

Happy Holidays everyone.

No Comments »

In one of my recent posts I was pondering the idea of moving on and not obsessing over being pregnant “RIGHT NOW”.  I’m finding this quite difficult.  Even this morning while showering I thought to myself, “maybe I’m ovulating now, it’s about that time”.  So while I say that I should maybe just move on, how exactly do you do that?

Well…. in my case… you arrange to have tattoos done!

My artist, who is also a friend of mine from Calgary, has agreed to trade ski passes for ink!  We get the passes for free so essentially R and I are getting our tattoos for free.  Plus, he’s going to travel and come to us, what more could we ask for?  Like I said before, I have a few things to do, including the completion of a memorial tattoo for my brother, finishing up some work on my back and adding a new one for my twins.

I asked a new friend of mine that I met at MDC if she would design the twins’ tattoo for me….. and she said yes!  I’m thrilled about this because I just know it’s going to be created with love and care and I couldn’t be happier about that.  She knows how special this tattoo is for me and I can’t wait to see it!  So J, if you happen to read this, thank you. 

I don’t think I’ll have the twins’ tattoo done in the very near future, but when I do you can be sure I’ll post a pic here.

No Comments »