Contact

The Story of my Twins

Who am I?

When I was expecting my first baby a friend of mine threw me a baby shower.  It was great… we ate chocolate ice cream out of diapers, measured my belly with toilet paper, and of course receive 101 gifts for expected baby.  I can remember my mother asking me why on earth I would be having a baby shower and I was shocked.  Well, she said, “because you never know what is going to happen”.  I chalked it up to her being extremely negative and carried on my usual naive way.

My first baby came just fine.  Fast forward to the twins.  Well, it was too early to even think about a baby shower, but now I am questioning the celebration all together (well, more so the timing of it).  I went to a baby shower on the weekend for a friend (the friend who found out she was expecting 4 weeks after me), I picked out a card and stared at it blankly.  What exactly was I supposed to write?!  “Congratulations on making it this far”?  Or maybe, “Good luck”?  After a while I ended up putting something like, “Happy Baby Shower Day”  and “I can’t wait to meet your little one”. 

I now understand why people don’t have baby showers before the baby comes.  Who wants a whole house full of new baby stuff if they lose their baby?  No one.  Am I being negative?  Hell no!  I’m being realistic here.  MOMS LOSE BABIES!!!  It happens and I hate it, but it still happens.  What about a Blessingway?  I think that might be a better celebration to have before baby comes, focusing more so on the mom and the changes about to take place in her life.  I found this blog where the author posts about her blessingway that she had after losing a baby. 

So, from this day forward I vow to never throw a baby shower for someone who has not had their baby yet!  I will however organize blessingways.  That is, of course, if my little corner of the world ever catches up to the rest of the world and figures out what a blessingway is, LOL!

No Comments »

Hello… My name is Andrea and I am a HPT-aholic.

Even when I don’t have a chance of being pregnant, I still pick up a HPT just to “make sure”.  BUT… if there’s even a slight glimmer of hope that I may be growing a little bean, well, watch out.  I don’t just pick up 1 HPT, but I’ll pick up many.  No, I’m sorry, you don’t get the exact #, it’s different every time and almost embarassing.  I mean totally embarassing.

I test at 8 days DPO (or maybe earlier if I can’t wait, and yes, I understand there is no point to testing earlier then that), then the next day, and the next.  And so on until AF arrives.  The $ store sells them for extremely cheap, so sometimes I stock up on them, but mostly I like the “Early Response” kind. 

Now, you may laugh at this or just think I’m a complete moron, but I have even pee’d on a stick knowing full well I was pregnant, infact I was well in to pregnancy.  I loved seeing the positive sign.

Am I the only one here who cannot control myself when it comes to HPTs?  I can’t be the only one, there’s even a site entirely dedicated to peeing on a stick… and go figure, it’s called, Pee On A Stick, LOL!

So that’s it, my confession for the week.

1 Comment »

The initial cost of $1570 for 3000 books requires a further $150 for every next 1000 books to be printed .

Every donor will receive an electronic certificate of appreciation ♥ your Precious Angel or Angels will be listed in the Loving Memory of page on AB site ♥ ♥ Memorial

• How to make a payment :

• go to your paypal account

• send money

• email address
  

• support@ourangelbaby.org

• choose GIFT as payment option ( no charges deducted of your donation )

• and add amount you wish to donate …in comments please add your dedication for your Precious Angel ♥ so we can update the Memorials page with his / her name ♥

• approximate exchange rates :USD$5.00 = AUD$6.00 * AUD$5.oo =CAD$ 6.00 AUD$5.00 = GBP 3.90

• AB keepsake booklets will have a full colour cover , black and white A5 internal pages

• Inside cover

Name: ________________________

Precious child of
____________________________

Born on: ____________________________

Time: ____________

Place: _________________________

Weight: ______________ Length: ____________

Head circumference: ____________

Delivered by: _______________________

• 2nd page special paper for imprints * Your precious child’s Hand and feet ink prints*

• pages 3 through 5 your wishes and wisdom form Time with your Angel page on our website x

• 6 blank pages to write the memories

No Comments »

There’s a similarity between losses.  Between the loss of my brother and the loss of my babies.  I can remember when my brother died, I spent hours, days, months, years crying for him.  Crying that it would just be a bad dream and that I would wake up and he’d be there.  Praying that if I would just cry hard enough and scream loud enough, he’d come back. 

I must admit, I had the same feelings when I lost the babies.  Even still.  If I could just cry enough for them to come back.  But I get it, I can’t.  Tears don’t bring babies back.

I lost the pendant to my necklace tonight.  I forgot to take it off at kickboxing and it fell off.  I phoned them looking for it, but they couldn’t find it.  I’m hoping it turns up, but I’m pretty upset about the whole thing.  I don’t like people holding or touching my necklace or reading the back of the pendant.  I guess that’s a small price to pay to get it back though.  I’ll definitely have to buy a new one if they can’t find it, but I’m still sad. 

So that’s that, they’re gone forever.  My brother, my babies and possibly my babies pendant.

No Comments »

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..

Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.

Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

No Comments »

The End…  The End of me saying, “I would be X # of weeks”.  Because I would have had my babies by now.  According to two different calculators I was due on February 18th or February 20th.  I’ve been emotional all week, things would have been so different, if only……   And because there were two, chances are they would have already come by my due date.  My last singleton came over a week before her due date.

I was at kickboxing last night like usual forgetting everything that goes on outside of that gym, and then a song came on.  A song that I love and of course reminds me of my loss.  So there I was, at kickboxing, thinking about what could have been.  I managed to keep it together, but I did work a little harder then normal.

On a brighter note:  R and I DTD last night   Wouldn’t that be something to conceive on my due date?…  Here’s hoping, but because he’s still not that in to it, it’s unlikely.

“This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I’ll never look into your eyes…again”

- “The End” by The Doors

No Comments »

Anyone remember the great 80’s horror flick “Poltergeist”? Well, picture me saying “they’re here” just like that blonde girl in the movie. Creepy, I know… but I just want you to know that’s how I’m “saying” it. And alas, “They’re Here”.

She had her twins. They arrived safe and sound yesterday after 2 1/2 hours of labour. 2 babies. Alive.

Good for her. That’s just fan-freakin-tastic. She carried 2 babies to 3 weeks before her due date. Awesome. I’m so jealous. She can disappear now at any time. Maybe even get sucked in to that fuzzy TV that the blonde girl is sitting in front of on Poltergeist. 

2 Comments »

I’m a music junkie, I can’t help it, it’s the way I am.  So I’m sure you’ve noticed that a ridiculous amount of my posts are dedicated to music.  Like I’ve said before, it heals my soul.

One song that always seems to reappear in my life is “Everybody Hurts” by REM, remember them?!  I like it because it’s so true… I think throughout our lives there are many of us who feel that we just cannot go on or just can’t handle things anymore. It is for those people that this song’s message can speak volumes!

I’m trying to only post one song at a time, but believe me, I have a long list of songs I love and find comforting right around now. If you have a song that you think I’d like, feel free to send it to me!

No Comments »

I’ve gone to a few art therapy sessions over the past few months.  This past time that I went I wasn’t really sure if I’d get anything out of it.  I thought I was handling things pretty well and was close to being “fine”.  However, it’s interesting  to see what tuns up when asked to show some sort of expression.  Like art. 

So during the session we chat a bit and then out comes the art supplies.  She instructs me to do whatever I want, use whatever materials I want and just don’t hold back.  I didn’t have a plan so everything is really just off the top of my head.  I began with a red heart and decided to turn it in to a rainbow.  It’s hard to actually see the detail (like the sparkling butterflies and the sparkly background, but it’s there.  It’s not artist quality, I’m not an artist, but it is what it is, my miscarriage art.

After painting the heart (just the top half) I said, “Well, that’s it, I think I’m done”.  Then I sat down and within 20 seconds I got back up and painted more, including the red on the swirls, the sparkliness and the gush at the bottom of the heart.  So I guess I wasn’t done.  The therapist pointed out how interesting she thought it was that I would do that, say I was done and then not really be done at all.  She thought it was interesting because that is how I was approaching my grief, I “thought” I may be done (or at least fine) and then BOOM, I’m not.  It’s so rollercoaster-ish, crazy really.

Some other art I have done lately is belly casting.  While I am completely green with envy and so hurt on the inside, I still enjoy rubbing a pregnant ladies belly and covering it in plaster.  Well, unless it’s G who is expecting twins in February, I never want to see her or her big pregnant belly.

With the belly casting, I have been doing 2 per pregnant mama, one for her and one for me.  I haven’t decided how I’m going to pain them, but I can’t wait to get at it.  I’m almost thinking of painting the heart on one of them, we’ll see.  Belly casting is not something I thought I’d be able to “do” but it turns out I can, and all without losing it!

2 Comments »

I joined kickboxing. It’s something I’ve actually been involved in my whole life up until the past few years. I love it. I actually crave it. I find it to be so helpfull in my physical and mental well being.

I wrap my hands and go out there. The instructor is yelling. Everyone’s running. jumping. squatting. kicking. My mind is clear. Well, except the voice in my head that is saying, “move it!”. The time comes to put the gloves on and adrenaline rushes through my body. Jab. Cross. Uppercut. Elbow. Knee. Any ounce of anger I have I can release at that moment, what a feeling.

What I would really love is if I could do it every day, right now going 2 times a week is just not enough. I have enough resentment and anger for much more then 2 times a week.

The title of this post is actually a song that I’ve had in my head for so long it seems! Since being in kickboxing I find I like listening to more of the fast and heavy music, like I used to. It’s by Offspring, here’s a quote from the song:

When the rain comes I sit home and pray
Make it all numb
I wish it all away
All i really need is just somewhere to hide away

I’d say my place to hide is Kickboxing, not that I’m physically hiding, but I can go there and just pretend I’m normal again, that my life isn’t totally f’d up and that I actually do care about myself. When I’m home alone it’s like I’m having a constant pitty party of one.

Anyways, kickboxing… highly recommended.

No Comments »