Well, I finally did it!!  After a year of researching and planning and hesitating and procrastinating, I finally launched the Tiny Angels Project.  You may remember me discussing it before, but it is finally falling in to place.  There is still a lot of work to be done and packages to put together and volunteers to find, but it’s coming together.

Come take a look at The Tiny Angels Project and join the facebook page!

Tiny Angels Project

Tiny Angels Fan Page

A while ago I found out about a great site that has resources, loss stories as well as stories of hope.  I put the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope on my sidebar, it is a great resource.  Anyways, I submitted my story and they posted it on the 29th.  You can check it out here.

Things are happening.  People are starting to realize that pregnancy and infant loss are things we need to talk about.

On the Day of Hope site there are several pictures that you can copy and save.  All accross facebook people are changing their profile pictures to suit their situation and show their support.  I changed mine to the one above just to promote the day, but I couldn’t pick one of the others.  None of them seemed to fit my situation.  I’ll post some here:

There’s this one, which is great if you suffered a miscarriage.  I would maybe put this but I feel the need to celebrate both lives I held, not the event.  So I would like something that represents twins.

And this one is really good if you’ve had more then one miscarriage.  Still doesn’t fit for me though… I think I would need one that says, “I suffered a miscarriage of multiples” for it to work for me.

This one is for either a loss of mulitples or multiple losses, but seems to be for older children. 

I do love this one, I think I love it the best.

Anyways… thinking of all of you who lost babies and remembering the babies that I once held in my tummy and will forever hold in my heart.

So here are the pictures taken for the twins.  I got just “Tiny Angels” written on the wing because I don’t often share my babies names, and I think I may frame this picture and have it in my home to share with anyone who enters. 

Thank you so much Carly!  Your work is absolutely breathtaking and so meaningful.

“For Sure” by Monica Murphy Lemoine

You might have been a bratty toddler,
Screamin’ and throwin’ your food.
You might have been a horrible speller,
With bad punctuation too.
You might have been a high school drop-out,
thinking school was only a bore.
You might have turned into a druggie,
living dirty and jobless and poor.

But I don’t care what you might have been…
I just wish I could’ve known for sure.

You might have been obsessive compulsive,
counting every step that you took.
You might have been a Bill O’Reilly fan,
reading every one of his books.
You might have had issues with anger,
getting pissed off and slammin’ the door,
You might have been a cleptomanic
stealin’ money from my drawer.

But I don’t care what you might have been…
I just wish I could’ve known for sure.

You might have been valedictorian,
president of your school.
You might have been a hottie like your dad,
making all the girlies drool.
You might have been a famous scientist,
discovering all kinds of cures,
You might have been idealistic,
Running off to join the Peace Corps.

But I don’t care what you might have been
I’m tired of imaging what you might have been
I don’t give a fuck what you might have been

I just wish I could’ve known for sure.

Okay, so a quick glance at the past year starting on D-day, July 29th 2009 – babies gone.  After that we had the birthing conference, I attended several births as a doula, my relationship ended, I supported my best friend through her birthing experience, my Grandma died and we buried her and my brother together.  So… just a recap, lost my babies, lost my love and lost my Grandma.  Not to mention, I think the population of twins has increased trifold in the past year, I see them everywhere!!

Things happen in 3’s right?  So, does that mean that things are going to be fabulous now?  I’ve already had the 3 bad things happen, so it must being going up now I suppose.

And what will I do tomorrow?  Well, a visit with a friend, some babysitting and more visiting.  How will I honor my babies?  I’ll probably light a candle for them and definitely their garden candles.  I was at the beach last week and just thought to myself, “I would have 2 little 5-6 month old babies right now, playing at the beach”.  They’d be trying to eat the sand and probably just learning to sit up.  I would probably wrap them both up in a water wrap and giver in to the water.  Anyways, I just couldn’t believe how life looked in my little daydream.

And here’s to next year!  Here’s to a new start and a new me.  Here’s to life and those lives lost.

Cheers!

Believe it or not, I am a little shocked.  Yes, she was old, 88 to be exact, but she seemed so young just a couple months ago.  Turned out that she had cancer, all over.  So just over a week ago my mother, myself and the 2 littlest kiddos drove 12 hours to Winnipeg to see her.  By the time we arrived she was unconscious from pain killers and never did regain consciousness well enough for us to talk.

I find that people generally brush off the death of an old person because they’re so old, and that is what made me decide to post here.  Loss is loss.  Regardless of age.  Just like gestation.  Whether your baby/babies were 1 week, 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 7 months, etc., etc., when you lost them, it’s still a loss.  And now, even though my Grandma was 88, I still feel a great loss.  I spent every summer with her while I was growing up, I would literally live with her for 2 months.  Our whole family has lost such a fabulous woman.  I’m not going to lie, it is a little different, I experience loss very differently depending on who it is, being my babies, my brother, my cousin, a friend or my Grandma…  and also how it occurs influences my reaction.  But regardless of the reaction, it’s still a loss to be respected.

So, on Saturday we will bury my Grandma’s ashes, and now this will shock you, but we’re also going to bury my brother’s ashes too.  Right there with my Grandma.  My brother died 12 years ago and my Mom has held on to his ashes until now.  So, in a couple days he will finally be laid to rest, with one of the most influencial people in his life (our Grandma).

Life is so wierd… so confusing… and yet can be so empowering at times.

So on Monday I open the box.  In it I find a gnome (yes, that’s right, a gnome), a small gnome travel journal, a bag of pebbles with footprints on them and the art journal.  On the cover it says “Still 365″.  The art journal is being sent all over the world (beginning with Still 365) to mothers who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal death.  It is a book full of hurt, anger, sadness, love, happiness and all things that come with a pregnancy and then the loss of the baby, all in art form.  Looking through the book I am blown away by the work put in to it, there are paintings, mosaics, paper clippings and poems.  I wanted to take pictures of what was inside, but I felt I would be stealing something that is somewhat too sacred for a blog.

It is my turn… my turn to put my feelings in to art.  To dig a little bit and find what I have been feeling.  Seems I’ve kinda learnt to numb myself and push my feelings deep deep deep in to the darkness of what I have become.  I have expressed myself through art before with the art therapy, so the concept was comfortable for me.  This is what I did with chalks:

It felt good to get it out, to touch the chalks and then to vigorously smudge them with tissue.  It felt good to add that tiny bit of glimmer to my two little hearts, it felt…  well, I just felt… and that is good in and of itself right now.

Now, on to the gnome.  Yes, I know you probably thought I was joking, but seriously, there was a gnome.  I love gnomes.  Infact, on my fridge I have a magnet with a picture of some gnomes and it says, “chillin’ with my gnomies”.  I love that magnet.  I desperately want a garden gnome and have secretly dreamt about someone stealing my gnome and then returning him months later with a picture journal.  There you have it, you know yet another deep dark secret about me, I love gnomes.

This little mini pint gnome was carrying a suitcase and I took a pic of him in my flowers.

I am mailing the journal out tomorrow, on to the next broken soul who will pour their feelings in to art.  I hope to see it when it is complete.  The traveling journal was such a great experience.

So here I am, thinking I’m the only one that strives for that feeling that comes along with the “feel good” panties, and then I get my book order in the mail.  Monica Murphy Lemoine from Knocked Up, Knocked Down has written a book, titled “Knocked Up, Knocked Down” (go figure, LOL) and of course I had to order it.  There’s a good chance that I have the majority of miscarriage/loss books out there. 

The first few pages of the book are in a chapter called “Panty Focus” and she refers to the panties as “a bold expression of feminine hope and defiance” and the “magical and life giving g-string”.  OKAY!  I’m not the only one!!  What a relief, cause I was starting to wonder.  I haven’t read much more of the book yet, but it has been a good read so far and I plan to finish it soon.

So I’m thinking that everyone should probably have a pair of “feel good” panties.  Imagine if all our hurts could be cured just by panties, okay I know I’m stretching it a bit, but it’s a nice thought.

Well, I have since been contacted 2 times in the past few days by people who are worried about me.  First off, thank you.  I do appreciate your concern, I truly do.  Please know that I am okay, this is my venting place and that’s what happens here.  I will gladly talk your ear off too.

So with that said, I’m wondering who actually is reading this blog that I know in real life.  So… if you’re feeling brave, comment.  I will most likely be sensoring the blog regardless, but I’m just interested to know how far the news spread.