Triggers
Okay, I’m ready to talk about my day. The day I had yesterday was raw and intense to say the least, it was not so great. I was working at a baby sale, I own a business that sells baby carriers, cloth diapers, all that stuff. All morning I was surrounded by pregnant mamas and new babies, there were alot of moms due in February which was my expecting month. So I was constantly thinking, “wow, I would be AT LEAST that big by now”.
Anyways, I held it together amazingly well for most of the morning, I was able to express excitement for people, talk about babywearing and discuss birthing. It is my life, I cannot avoid it, even though I wish I could sometimes. So at about 12:30pm, half an hour before the end of the sale, a friend (not a good friend, but a friend nonetheless) comes up to the booth. She wanted to inquire about babywearing. I notice she is expecting. I do my regular, “Oh wow, I didn’t know you were expecting, congratulations!!!” and continue on to ask her when she’s due. “February”. “Oh, wow, that’s great, congrats!” Then she drops the bomb, “I just found out yesterday that we’re having twins.”. **insert heart breaking so badly that the whole place might have heard the shatter**
Somebody shoot me now is all I could think, where is a rescue pod when you need it, get me outta here! I assumed she must not have known about my loss otherwise she probably wouldn’t have even told me that in a public place, so I carried on, “Oh… R and I were actually expecting twins in February too, but we lost them”. *awkward* Then she said that she had heard that. I couldn’t control myself, I started sobbing uncontrolably right there in the middle of about 1000 moms/pregnant women and just lost it. She apologized and I felt bad.
Then we carried on with small talk and she made some stupid comments about her due date moving up by two weeks because she’s carrying twins, and also that she’s not sure she can breastfeed twins. I wanted to put a brick in a glove and smack her! Since losing my twins I seem to be somewhat obsessed and have gained so much info on pregnancy with multiples and also aftercare. So I’m thinking, “You’re not going to do your research, you’re going to just believe any doctor, and you probably will end up with a section and not breastfeed”. Maybe not, but if she doesn’t educate herself then it’s a likely event.
I would be a good mom to twins, I would still fight for my babies’ rights to stay in my womb until they’re ready and I would breastfeed. I wouldn’t try, I just would. I know that’s easier said then done, but if I were given half the chance I know I could.
Anyways, she leaves and I retreat behind my booth and cry some more and then some more and pretty much carry on like that for the rest of the day and evening. I’ve now been jolted back to how I felt when I first lost the babies. It feels so fresh and raw again, it honestly sucks. I was okay around all the other pregnant mamas and all of the new singleton babies, but I have a soft spot for twins. It’s something I “almost” had, something I will probably never have the chance to experience again, even if I do conceive again.
I hope that one day I’ll be able to survive these triggers, right now I just feel like a loose canon.
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Triggers are so hard. They really do take you right back to feeling like you just lost your babies. I can’t believe that woman carried on about her twins after she already knew that you’d lost yours. It’s unfair that you don’t have your twins. Thinking of you.