Bittersweet
How do you fake it? How do you fake being “over the moon” ecstatic for someone who just found out they’re expecting? Really. Or do you just retreat and don’t even bother faking it?
Here’s my dilemma, sometimes I am truly excited for them and then sometimes, I’m just not. It’s the oddest feeling, so bittersweet. To be able to see a pregnant mama and feel joy for her is great! But then there are other mamas that I just don’t want to see at all, ever. And the weird part is that I do have children, I have 4 dammit! And yet I’m still bitter, I can’t help it. And when people say something like, “at least you have 4 children” I want to beat them sense-less, I still want the one’s that I don’t have. The family feels somewhat incomplete.
A friend called me today to check on me, she said I’m not seeming like myself. Well, I’m not… I’m not myself at all. In fact, I’m not even sure where “myself” may be hiding. It appears that “myself” has morphed in to something else: something a little more bitter, a little more resentfull, a lttle more hurt and a little more sceptical. I told my friend that I was in a Funk lately. She’s funny, she replied with, “aww that sucks, funks are no fun…… and yet you’d think they would be, because the word FUNK sounds so fun, combining the words fun and funky”. Nope, they’re no fun, but I did smile, she’s a good friend.
So do I need to accept the fact that I may just be a “changed” person? Is there a chance that the change can ultimately lead to growth? And then maybe, just maybe, the bittersweet reaction towards “buns in the ovens” will just be either A) a part of who I am and something I need to deal with, or B) something I had to experience to get to where I will be? Does that make sense?
Something else I have noticed is the degrees of my response depending on who the expectant mama is. If they have ever experienced loss or struggle with infertility, I am generally truly happy and hopeful for them. I think that they have been there done that and they deserve to be pregnant. I mean they really deserve it, no one should have to end with loss. But then there are the moms who are pissed that they can’t drink or think they look too fat, or whatever, and that just irritates me.
Well, that’s my rant for the evening. There’s a good chance that I could just type forever, but I’ll save it for another day, another mood swing.
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