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The Story of my Twins

Who am I?

I’ve gone to a few art therapy sessions over the past few months.  This past time that I went I wasn’t really sure if I’d get anything out of it.  I thought I was handling things pretty well and was close to being “fine”.  However, it’s interesting  to see what tuns up when asked to show some sort of expression.  Like art. 

So during the session we chat a bit and then out comes the art supplies.  She instructs me to do whatever I want, use whatever materials I want and just don’t hold back.  I didn’t have a plan so everything is really just off the top of my head.  I began with a red heart and decided to turn it in to a rainbow.  It’s hard to actually see the detail (like the sparkling butterflies and the sparkly background, but it’s there.  It’s not artist quality, I’m not an artist, but it is what it is, my miscarriage art.

After painting the heart (just the top half) I said, “Well, that’s it, I think I’m done”.  Then I sat down and within 20 seconds I got back up and painted more, including the red on the swirls, the sparkliness and the gush at the bottom of the heart.  So I guess I wasn’t done.  The therapist pointed out how interesting she thought it was that I would do that, say I was done and then not really be done at all.  She thought it was interesting because that is how I was approaching my grief, I “thought” I may be done (or at least fine) and then BOOM, I’m not.  It’s so rollercoaster-ish, crazy really.

Some other art I have done lately is belly casting.  While I am completely green with envy and so hurt on the inside, I still enjoy rubbing a pregnant ladies belly and covering it in plaster.  Well, unless it’s G who is expecting twins in February, I never want to see her or her big pregnant belly.

With the belly casting, I have been doing 2 per pregnant mama, one for her and one for me.  I haven’t decided how I’m going to pain them, but I can’t wait to get at it.  I’m almost thinking of painting the heart on one of them, we’ll see.  Belly casting is not something I thought I’d be able to “do” but it turns out I can, and all without losing it!

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